I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
