White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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