It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
