I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
