apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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