I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
