cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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