I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize