dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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