omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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