And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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