We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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