ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Randomize
