if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
