you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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