I want to walk on stilts...naked
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
