he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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