You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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