What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
