We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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