I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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