So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
