so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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