Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This house was built for laser tag.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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