my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
