I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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