I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize