Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
