Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
