last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize