I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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