btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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