too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
there is puke in my bra ... again
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
