I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
