So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
