i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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