your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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