headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
