Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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