So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
