I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
as a side note pls kill me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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