I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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