Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
