you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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