Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
"it" just moved
Pappa wants mamma naked
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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