i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
