I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
