either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
