Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
