She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
