i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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