I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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