I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
