Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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