Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
