Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
50% drunk capacity currently
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
