Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This is my gift to your gina
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize