At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
