You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
