I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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