I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
