Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
