3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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