I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
