After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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