The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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