Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
