Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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