just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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