Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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