a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
