I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize