Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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